**Through Q&As and DMs this is one of the most commonly asked about topics**
The relationship-ed me:
Let me give you a little history so you can better understand my relationship journey up until this point. I dated someone pretty seriously the last half of college and things ended shortly after graduation. I would say this was my first real love and I can only say great things about him, I didn’t realize then that all boys/boyfriends aren’t as genuine or kind. From there I was single for a hot second and somehow stumbled into my next/last serious relationship. This one lasted three years and was what I then thought would surely end in marriage. Things ended badly and it was at this point that I learned the tough lesson that not all men are good. The reason I give you this back story is for you to understand that I had very little independence before last year. I went to college 30 minutes from home, so there wasn’t much going out of my comfort zone there. I had never personally paid rent on my apartment, I had never lived in a new state and let’s just call it what it was, sheltered. I also went through an unfortunate situation where I was burned and that has affected how I go about meeting men today.
How I went from Florida to DC:
In the fall of 2017 I went through my breakup and knew I needed a BIG change. It just so happened that my little brother, Riley, was in the process of moving to DC from grad school. Riley had a roommate all lined up, when out of nowhere things fell through and he found himself on the apartment hunt again from square one. I’m a believer that everything happens for a reason and this just felt like it was meant to be. So one week post-breakup, and having visited DC two times in my entire life, Riley and I signed a lease on an apartment, sight unseen. This was SO not my personality, I’m usually type A and can’t even decide where to eat, let alone move! At this point I think I was still in shock mode so nothing really phased me. Looking back, I am so thankful for that moment of insanity because it forced me to step out of my comfort zone, something I may have never done otherwise.
There I was, moving to DC on (literally the same day as) my 26th birthday. It still blows my mind how effing calm I was. One week earlier I was living with my boyfriend in Winter Park, FL and now here I was single as could be in a new city, new apartment and hundreds of miles from home. WTF. Still… I was in so much shock that I was cool as a cucumber. It took about 3 months for things to really hit me, I remember waking up one morning and thinking wow, this is my life now, not some dreamy little vacation. Thankfully I had great friends, family and a brother who all supported me through the first few rough months. I ended up falling in love with DC and building a great life here.
The single me:
Now that you know all the gory details, let’s get to the good stuff… dating and being single, in DC, in my late 20’s. I hadn’t truly experienced life being single in 7 years, if you add up my last two relationships, which backed up close together. When I was last single dating apps weren’t a thing, I had just been able to legally drink and I even think low-rise jeans might have still been on trend. So ya, it had been a hot minute. I forgot how fun, awkward and terrifying it could be to meet new people. Right off the bat I started dating but quickly realized I wasn’t fully ready. At the same time, I’m glad I hit the ground running because with dating I think practice makes perfect. I had to re-learn how to enjoy dating for what it was, meeting people. I think the older we get as women, and I’ve been guilty of this too, we become focused on the end goal of marriage and stop enjoying the act of dating. This will make you crazy!!!
I had to rewire my brain to appreciate the things that come with being single, like having NO ONE to answer to. Being able to travel when, wherever and with whoever I want to. If I want to work out at 7 pm, I go. If I want cereal for dinner I grab a bowl and a spoon. Full control of the remote? Yes, please. There was, and is, something so freeing about having the ability to worry about just yourself. I’ve learned to enjoy the fact that I had no idea where my life is going. Nothing is set or planned for me, I can literally choose whatever path comes my way, or go make an entirely new one. That’s fun! I have my entire life to get married, have kids and a shit ton of responsibilities… why would I rush into that? I also learned to appreciate my friends on a whole new level. One good thing that comes from a breakup is seeing how many people love you. I had friends come to the table harder than I ever would’ve imagined. Now in this new stage of my life I learned to appreciate those people and make more time for them. There is NOTHING better than a girls night with wine, a good movie, takeout food and gossip.
I also started saying yes, to everything that came my way, no matter how uncomfortable it made me. In 2018 I went on 4-5 trips where I had never met most of the people going, if any. Was that scary? Hell yes!! Did it turn out to be fun each and every time? Hell yes!! I put myself out there, and continue to, as much as I could. I went out to meet friends, even when I was super comfortable sitting on the couch. I tried new workout classes. I tried (key word) to learn how to cook. I started making my bed every morning. I found shows that I loved and learned to love watching them, alone, with a glass of red wine on a Friday night. I stopped letting things into my life that made me anything less than happy. If an Instagram account left me feeling bad about myself, I unfollowed it. If a person wasn’t giving me the effort back that I gave them, I fizzled it. I started being unapologetically myself and it’s been the best thing that ever happened to me. I started posting how and what I wanted on my blog/ social channels. Side note, my ex was incredibly controlling in that way and always left me feeling monitored and censored on my social media. NOT good. Was I scared people wouldn’t accept it? Yes! Did I learn to not care? Yes!
The truth about dating in a big city, from my perspective:
If you’re actively dating, you’re going to get rejected. Everyone is not everyone’s cup of tea, that’s why Starbucks has so many coffee options! People have different things they’re looking for and just because one guy decides you’re not doing it for him doesn’t mean you won’t set someone else’s world on fire. If someone wants to see you, talk to you or date you… they will. Men are a lot less complicated than we think.
Ghosting is something I’m still baffled by, but in DC it seems to happen far too often. I have tons of single friends so I’m taking from their experiences as well. Listen here, if a guy ghosts you, he just did you a huge favor!! You’ve officially avoided being with someone who lacks normal human decency. Call it a win that you found that out now, and not a year in. My biggest advice when dating, and really in all relationships, is leave your door open and let people come and go as they please. If they want to come in, let them, and if they want to leave, show them the quickest way out, hell, grab their stuff and help them to the nearest exit.
I’d be lying if I said that I’ve mastered this whole dating thing. I’ve had my moments, just like any other dating girl has. I’ve gone out with the playboy, the frat boy, the mamas boy, the jealous boy and all the other kooky types in between. I’ve also had incredible first dates and I’ve met some really amazing people. The biggest thing I’ve learned through experience is to go slow and don’t put all your eggs in one basket too quickly. For some reason, I tend to date people who go crazy fast and I’ve found that it’s best to force things to go slower. By this I mean, don’t go straight to playing house and seeing each other 24/7. Don’t be overly available and let the boy miss you a little, especially in those first few months. This may not apply to everyone, but I do feel like in the beginning taking it slow will allow you to get to know someone better and it keeps them on their toes.
I have to throw in here the harsh truth that yes, there are moments where being single kind of sucks… I’m not going to sugar coat this whole post. When I’m invited to a wedding, for example, and have to think about going alone and the logistics of that it can be a bit of a bummer. So yes, if you’re reading this and in the same boat as me… lots of friends getting married and feeling like an outsider, I get it and I hear you. Let’s just remember that there are opportunities in there to make the best of it and at the end of the day your day will come and when it does you’ll want your friends to be happy for you. Try to stop comparing yourself with other people your age, there’s nothing good that’ll come from that.
Remember that everyone has their own timelines and they all look different. Here’s the thing, I’m sure I could go to a bar tomorrow and find someone who’d be willing to date me, but I have high standards and am far from ready to settle. It KILLS me when people on Instagram comment something like, how are you still single…. seriously? I am single because I (emphasize the I) haven’t found someone who checks all of MY boxes. Let’s stop acting like dating is a one way street where the women are standing on the side of the road hoping a car will pick them up, like a pathetic hitchhiker. We have our own cars that we too are driving.
Right now I’m focused on the blog, fitness and a million little personal things going on in my life, so I’m not really looking or trying too hard. I’m a firm believer that what’s meant to be will be so when it’s my turn it’ll happen. Until then, I’m going to enjoy the flirting and first kisses, which I LOVE! Like I said before, I have my entire life to be married and only kiss that one person so I’m going to revel in this unattached stage while I can.
Happy dating to all my single babes out there! Let’s have fun!!
